Dating, relationships & sex in New Zealand
Attitudes to dating, relationships and sex may be different in New Zealand than in your home country. Learn about them here.
Dating in New Zealand
Meeting new people and dating while you’re studying in New Zealand can be fun and enjoyable. It can also be challenging, especially while you’re getting used to the differences between your own country and New Zealand.
Every country has unspoken rules about the way people treat each other. Social attitudes in New Zealand vary between communities, and intimate relationships may be less formal than you’re used to. There tend to be fewer rules, and there may be less social pressure to behave a certain way.
The unspoken rules of dating in a new country can take a while to understand. For example, it can be hard to know whether someone is looking for a friend, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or casual sex.
There are lots of things to think about when deciding what kind of relationships you want to have while you’re studying here. These might include your values, your religious beliefs, your family’s expectations and how comfortable you are with the way things are done in New Zealand.
If you’re planning to meet people through social media or dating apps, check out the tips on our Online safety(external link that opens in a new tab) page. You can find advice on looking after yourself at bars, clubs and parties on our Staying safe in New Zealand(external link that opens in a new tab) page.
Dating can be tough! Go easy on yourself and seek help if you need it. You can find advice and links to support services on our Feeling lonely, homesick or depressed page.
Sex in New Zealand
In general, New Zealanders have a relaxed attitude towards sex. You might find that New Zealanders speak more freely about sex than in your home country. For example, there may be less fear, shame or stigma around sex than you’re used to.
Deciding whether or not to have sex while you’re living in New Zealand is a very personal decision and your own choice. You are the only person who can decide what’s right for you.
There are many young people in New Zealand who aren’t having sex, or who choose to wait until they’re married or in a committed relationship.
It’s also true that New Zealand has a strong hook-up culture, often based on meeting people at bars or parties or on dating apps. Many young New Zealanders have sex with more than one person and have sex with people they are not in a relationship with. They may live with a partner without getting married.
If you’re in a relationship or having casual sex with someone, you and your partner need to be able to communicate about how you feel and what you want.
You should be able to talk about what you enjoy doing sexually, what you are comfortable exploring, and what contraception you and your partner will use to prevent sexually transmissible infections (STIs) and pregnancy. You can find out more about contraception on our Getting sexual healthcare page.
Language and cultural differences can make it harder to talk about sex with a partner, especially if you’re texting, talking on the phone or trying to read each other’s body language. If your partner is a New Zealander, it can take a while to get used to Kiwi slang. For example, Kiwis may not say ‘no’ in a clear way – they may say ‘yeah, nah’ or ‘not really’.
There are many places you can go for sex education in New Zealand. Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa(external link that opens in a new tab) and Youthline(external link that opens in a new tab) have lots of information online on things like having sex, the English language names for intimate parts of your body, being in a relationship, communicating with your partner, self-confidence, body image, sexual orientation and gender identity.
If you’re LGBTQIA+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex or queer), or exploring your sexual orientation or gender identity, there are lots of places you can go for information and support. Good places to start are Rainbow Youth(external link that opens in a new tab) or OUTLine(external link that opens in a new tab), which has a free helpline and offers face-to-face counselling. Phone 0800 688 5463. For further LGBTQIA+ information check out our Being LGBTQIA+ in New Zealand page.
Understanding sexual consent
Sex should feel good, and you and your partner should agree to every sexual activity you do together. This is called ‘consent’.
Tip: The legal age people can have sex in New Zealand – also known as the age of consent – is 16. People can’t legally consent to sex if they are unconscious, drunk or high on drugs. You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, and you can say no at any time.
Take a look at these four steps to help you have the conversation about giving or getting consent for sex(external link that opens in a new tab).
Sexual assault and unhealthy relationships
Having any kind of sex with someone without their consent is called a sexual assault, which is against the law. If someone sexually assaults you, it’s really important to get help.
It's safe to contact the New Zealand Police(external link that opens in a new tab), and you might want to contact your student health centre, a counsellor, a lecturer or someone else you trust at the place where you’re studying. If you are in immediate danger, dial 111 and ask for the police.
Abuse in a relationship isn’t always sexual or physical. It can also be things like someone threatening you, calling you names, preventing you from spending time with your friends, or finding other ways to control you.
Here are some of the organisations that can help if you have been sexually assaulted or are in a relationship that makes you feel unsafe:
- Safe to Talk(external link that opens in a new tab), a free sexual harm helpline. Phone 0800 044 334 or text 4334.
- Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa(external link that opens in a new tab), which has clinics around New Zealand.
- Youthline(external link that opens in a new tab), which has centres around New Zealand and a free helpline. Phone 0800 376 633 or text 234.
- OUTLine(external link that opens in a new tab), which has a free helpline for people from the rainbow community. Phone 0800 688 5463.
- Local sexual assault support services(external link that opens in a new tab).
- Shine(external link that opens in a new tab), which has online advice and a free helpline about preventing family violence. Phone 0508 744 633. (If you have limited English, the helpline operator may be able to find an interpreter for you.)
- It’s not OK(external link that opens in a new tab), which has online advice and a free information line about preventing family violence. Phone 0800 456 450.
- Shakti(external link that opens in a new tab) offers support including a free crisis line for Asian, African and Middle Eastern people who are experiencing sexual assault, family violence or discrimination. Phone 0800 742 584.
- Asian Family Services(external link that opens in a new tab), which provides free phone and face-to-face support to Asians living in New Zealand. Support is offered in English, Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Vietnamese, Japanese, Thai and Hindi. An interpreter can be arranged for other languages. Phone 0800 862 342.
Related pages
Being safe online
The internet is an important part of life as a student in New Zealand. You might find yourself using it to bank, shop or meet people more than you did in your home country. Learn about internet safety and find suggestions for being safe online.
Sexual healthcare in New Zealand
Take care of your sexual and reproductive health while studying in New Zealand. Here’s how to get advice and support.
Staying safe in New Zealand
New Zealand is known as a relatively safe country to live and travel in. However, when you're here it's important to be as careful as you would be at home. Here’s how you can stay safe in New Zealand. Staying safe in New Zealand
Being LGBTQIA+
New Zealand is often called one of the most LGBTQIA+ friendly countries in the world. Find out what it is like to live and study here.